Doing Just Fine

(LOOKING OUT FOR) NUMBER ONE: In order not to be hurt, we hurt. In order not to be killed, we kill. As we hope the others won’t, we will. Any traces left behind, we cover in dirt. In the end we’re all just sociopaths, looking out for Number One. And we feel it’s hard to do our maths, since we don’t know what we have done. In order not to be taken, we take. In order not to be fucked, we fuck. In order not be sucked dry, we suck. In order not to be broken, we break. Is it all just self-preservation, or just selfish determination? Is it all just utter confusion, or just mindless auto solution? © Roelsel, 8 July 2008

FOREVER MAKES ME CRY: Never say you love me if you don’t really care. Never talk about feelings, if they were never there. Never hold my hand, if you’re gonna break my heart. Never say you’re going to, if you don’t plan to start. Never look into my eye, if all you do is lie. Never say ‘hello’, if you really mean ‘goodbye’. If you really mean forever, then say you’ll try. Never say ‘forever’, cause forever makes me cry. © Jansel

RETALIATE: (The ‘terrorists’) Terror is hate – RETALIATE – ‘shooting folks in Paris is a lot of fun’. War is hate – RETALIATE – ‘force them motherfuckers to pick up their guns’. Anger is great – RETALIATE – ‘let this situation go from bad to worse’. United States – RETALIATE – ‘manipulate their media just to spread this curse’. Never underestimate the cruelty of Man. We kill and rape the innocent in any way we can. (The ‘good guys’): Terror is hate – RETALIATE – ‘Islam stands for terror, let’s throw our bombs’. War is hate – RETALIATE – ‘these fugitives are assholes, send them back where they came from’. Anger is great – RETALIATE – ‘let our War On Terror go from bad to worse’. United States – RETALIATE – ‘manipulate our media just to spread this curse’ © Roelsel, 18 November 2015

I’M DOING FINE: I’m staring out the window on the second floor, and I watch the world beneath me. A million demons in my head; sometimes I wish I were dead. I need a smoke, I need a drink, so I can cope with the bullshit I think. I fry my brain in a chemical night, get rid of the headache from the booze last night. I wanna get out of this fucking situation, only doing things out of sheer frustration. And the lows are temporary, and the highs seem secondary, and everything is momentary, everything is secondary. © 2010 Jansel

LONG GONE: I guess you didn’t notice anything different. It’s getting dark, it’s getting late, and the nights are getting long. I don’t know if you noticed at all. I don’t know if you noticed that I’m long gone. The things that keep us apart keep me alive. And the things that keep me alive keep me alone. I don’t know if you noticed anything missing. I don’t know if you noticed that I’m long gone. One step further, one day more. One step closer than before. Feel the rain against my skin. Drown myself in water again. © Jansel

TAKE A WILD GUESS: He forms a grave danger as he knocks on our doors. A more racist person than ever before. He talks of respect, doesn’t know what it means. His words about Islam are downright obscene. Peroxide hair, takes the Arian route. Take a wild guess who I’m talking about. Inspires a nutcase from up in Norway. Killing dozens of people just to act in his way. His way’s superior, or so that’s what he thinks. You’d better agree, or he’ll label you ‘links’. I’m hearing echoes from a Nazi age. He creates a whole new scapegoat, and the same old rage. He demonizes Muslims, like Adolf did with Jews. Should our country really suffer from this man’s views? Puts up with our Government, but he’s in real power. He’s biding his time, waits for his ‘finest hour’. What worries me most are the folks who believe him. To observe him was fun, now the joke has worn thin… © Roelsel, 16 January 2012

MY HOMELAND: ‘Stop this fucking fortune hunter. Who steals our jobs and rapes our daughters. He wears a beard, he can’t be trusted. He brings us pain, he brings us slaughter. Tell him to go fuck himself, tell him to go home. Push him back to his own desert, or some other place to roam’. This land is MY homeland. This land is NO GO land. This land must stay closed… This man is not a terrorist, this man’s been terrorized. Let go of your moronic judgment, it’s so ill-advised. This man is not a fortune hunter, this man’s a refugee. Try seeing him for what he is, he’s just like you and me. That land was HIS homeland. That land is NO GO land. That land has been closed… Stop you fucking fortune hunter. You have no job, you rape my daughter. You sit around, you can’t be trusted. You love the pain, you love to slaughter. I tell you to go fuck yourself, leave me the fuck alone. Crawl back to your own private cave, your cover has been blown. This land is OUR homeland. This land is TO GO land. This land won’t be closed… © Roelsel, 26 October 2016

COLLAPSE: I walk the streets alone, mind distorted in multiple bends. Cross the street without looking, I stop the cars with just a glance. I really don’t care anymore, the power is now on me, I don’t care anymore, because you're no longer with me. Everybody praised me, because I seemed to be so strong. And I arranged everything without any help all along. And now I’m standing barefoot on the soil with you underneath; strength is just the outside, inside I am shattered to pieces. Must not break down, or my world will collapse completely. Can’t afford to let go, so I try to regulate it weekly. Drowning in sorrow, I have to keep it all together, and just collapse a little, until it all gets better. People say that I’ll manage in this future without any sight. Everything has changed, and I am not alright. I realize things will never be like they used to be, and until the day I die the memory will stay with me. In this new life on my way to so-called new existence, I will always be with you, and will always feel some resistance. And I wish it was over. I will have to take control. Collapse a little every week, save myself from a free fall © Jansel, 2017

WE DON’T DISCRIMINATE: If you’re gay it means you’re sick - and you should be cured. And also for you, our therapy should be health insured. Coz… We don’t discriminate. We don’t discriminate. In our fear for wet dreams - and spillage of our seed. Women should dress properly - no matter what age. Our spitting on indecent 8-year olds - thus is a good deed. Fundamental Christians, Orthodox Jews; we are all just Taliban. We’re really honest and don’t distinguish in our blame. We hate anyone who’s not like us equally the same. © Henry, January 2012

BROKEN BUT FIXED: If people ask me how I’m feeling, I tell them that I’m feeling fine. If people ask me what I’m drinking, a double of anything’s fine. If people ask me what I’m thinking, or what’s going on in my mind, I don’t know what to say, I keep coloring outside the lines. If people ask me if I’m broken, I tell them that I have been fixed. If people ask me if I’m happy, I tell them I still have an itch. If people ask me what my plans are, I tell them I live by the day. The ghost of what I was keeps getting in my way. Stick to the plan, reach as far as you can. © Jansel, 13 November 2015

MORE GUNS (NRA, PART II): We’re the State of Florida, we sentence you to death. We put the gun into your hands, but not the Chrystal Meth that made you shoot the innocent, the boys and girls alike. This dreadful, shocking massacre, apocalyptic strike… What do we need? MORE GUNS! Want to produce MORE GUNS! And to what use? MORE FUN! The NRA have had their way: some 17 more killed. Their orgasms just felt so good, with all their dreams fulfilled. The Donald made a sacred vow to arm our teaching staff. Thinks he’s the Boss, while he’s our Clown. We’re trying not to laugh. What do we need? MORE GUNS! To feed our greed? MORE GUNS! Want to produce MORE GUNS! And to what use? MORE FUN! © Roelsel, 14 March 2018

WANT TO SLEEP: It takes a while to make new habits stick. To throw away the old ones does the trick. It’s fucking hard to leave my life behind, especially since I don’t know what I’ll find. Can my new place ever feel like home, will it ever feel good to be alone? It takes a while to drink myself to sleep. My mirrors tell me I’m an ugly creep. I cannot read a book or watch TV. My place is not the place I want to be. Can my new girl wash away my pain, will I ever be happy again? Need my friends. Make amends. Fallen deep. Want to sleep. It takes a while to get life back on track. To realize that there’s no turning back. How can I make my future look less black, and deal with my anxiety attacks? © Roelsel, 13 December 2011

FALL DOWN, GET UP: Fall down, get up. Kicks in the nuts for any reason will always seem some kind of treason. Fall down, get up. Your stomach hurts, your belly’s aching, your attitude left for the taking. You shake your head, you take a deep breath. It’s not too bad, it’s nothing like death. Recovering, you get your strength back. Time to get up and counterattack. © Roelsel, 16 March 2018

PATH OF GLORY: My biorhythm is killing me. I can’t get any sleep till three. I have to get up at 7.30. To do the things that isn’t me. I seem to walk the Path of Glory. My conscience tells a different story. It just won’t stop, it screams and shouts. To do the things that I’m about. All day long I walk this treadmill, and all it does is pay my bills. Why don’t I just take sleeping pills. My health is going straight downhill. Sit up all night, it drives me nuts. I still stay put for lack of guts. To do the things I know are right. I’m almost sure I’ve lost the fight. © Roelsel, 8 April 2009

HARVEY: The sea rains the greatest floods. Texas is drowning its poor neighborhoods. Highest incomes live on highest land. Big oil CEOs have it all planned. Richness obtained by selling gas and oil brought the oceans to a boil. Just a few barrels more, and mother nature will settle the score. The sea is getting even. The water’s pouring down. Climate is changing. Destroying your towns. Shell, Exxon, Phillips 66, Valero, Haliburton, Schlumberger, BP, ChevronPhillips, Tesoro, Plains GP, Oilwell Varco, ConocoPhillips. Baker Hughes, Holly Frontier, Marathon, Anadarko, Kinder Morgan, CST, Western Refining, Cameron, CenterPoint, FMC, Targa, Susser, Spectra. Millions of oil revenues… deep in the heart of Texas! © Henry, 2017

FUCK THIS SHIT: I tried to write a love song tonight. But my heart was filled with anger. I have no strength to get up and fight, while my love for you is endangered. FUCK THIS SHIT – Let’s stop pretending FUCK THIS SHIT – Let’s put an ending. TO ALL THIS SHIT – ‘Cause it’s not worth it. FUCK THIS SHIT. I am surrounded by bunches of fuckheads, who mistake their wealth for happiness, while at night they lie awake in their beds ‘cause their lives are filled with emptiness. So I live my life in hypocrisy, just to make it through another day. And mistake my drugs for my XTC, just to get my problems out of the way © Roelsel, 15 July 2008